Hooray for Heartless
by Evil King of Fanfics
Summary: the epic tale of 2 heartless who do....stuff. sometimes. Chapter 3 up now! that's right! I DIDN'T die.
1. Default Chapter

Hooray for Heartless!  
  
Chapter 1: no real plot. Seriously. Nada. See, uh.. it's kind of hard  
  
to explain. It's just these 2 Heartless who do stuff and uh.. Yeah.  
  
And before we begin, I realize that Heartless have no emotions or social order, or other  
  
such things. Don't tell me about it.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Or much of anything else. Except 13 dollars in  
  
Sacagawea (is that right?) coins. Do they still use those?  
  
"So, Soldier no.11237, how'd things go with that Red Nocturne?" (those little  
  
magic things strike me as female. I don't know why.) "Oh, the usual. She decided to  
  
chase after some asshole wizard." "Dude, that's like, the third time that's happened. Why  
  
didn't you kick his ass?" Well, it's kind of hard when he keeps ELECTRIFYING me!" "I  
  
keep telling you those music thingies are bad news man." Oh, YEAH, no. 11453, you've  
  
had real success with women. Remember the bouncywild? Did that scar she gave you  
  
ever heal? "What do you think?" "Just proving a point." "Oh CRAP! We're late!" "what  
  
in Kingdom Hearts are you talking about?" "Guard Armor's called another "emergency  
  
strategy session." Ever since our "Great Leader" Maleficent appointed him leader of  
  
soldiers and roundbodies things have been going down the tubes." "ever since we ate that  
  
witch bitch's world's heart things have been going down the tubes." "Though that heart  
  
was quite delicious." 'Oh yes, exquisite." "Where have you guys BEEN? Guard Armor's  
  
S.S. started 20 minutes ago!" "Calm down Roundbody no.11762! it's cool." "Yeah! We-  
  
"excuse Me!" "Uh.. Yes Guard Armor no. 14, Sir?" "I believe Maleficent appointed  
  
me, the latest Guard Armor, in charge of you grunts?" "Yes." The G.A. switched his  
  
head to Opposite Armor mode. "THEN YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY ANSEM-  
  
DAMNED WORD I HAVE TO SAY, AND NOT SPEAK WHILE I AM! DO I MAKE  
  
MYSELF CLEAR!?" "Y-y-yes, SIR!" He then switched back to Guard Armor mode.  
  
"good." And so, for the next 5 hours, G.A. outlined his plans for success against the key,  
  
all of which involved randomly appearing and attacking, with little or no thought  
  
processes behind it, and absolutely none of it made sense. "And so, in conclusion,  
  
Roundbodies shouldn't attack until provoked. DIS-MISSED!" "Uh, did you get any of  
  
that?" I blanked out during his speech about how green requiems should fly about  
  
randomly and not heal who's most damaged. "ha-ha! Looks like you wimps are staying  
  
on the bottom!" "Ah great. Flying soldiers no. 11247 and no. 11248, what do YOU  
  
want?" "we just wanted to say we've been promoted.. to SECOND class!" "grrr. Ya  
  
know, Ansem's gonna come back, and when he does, this class system will be abolished,  
  
and you wads 'll be lower than a shadow!" "hey, don't make fun of shadows!" "oh...  
  
right sorry no. 11453." "Ohohho, that does it! We're going right now, you wingless  
  
chumps!" "Yeah we'll- OH GOD!" the poor, winged, bastards had been squished by a  
  
roundbody. "GUYS! I'm so HUNGRY!" Screamed the fat Heartless, his vest nearly  
  
bursting from the strain of running, as he shook his tinier buddies. "c-c-c- al-m-m d-d-  
  
dow-w-n, n-no. 11762! W-we c-can g-get y-y-ou so-ome f-o-o-od!" "Oh, thank Ansem  
  
for you guys." "Yeah, let's go to 11453's place." "So, whaddya got here? Well, let's see,  
  
I got... heart chips, cream of heart, heart soup, artichoke hearts- "What? Isn't that a  
  
plant? No, no, it's from that old world, artichokia. "dude, we ate that place YEARS ago!"  
  
"they only get better with time my boy." "Grr, Bark!" "hey, Bitey!" " I can't believe you  
  
keep shadow no. 1344568 as a pet! "hey! Shadows deserve as much respect as any other  
  
Heartless! They're the original kind, you know, and I for one,- "Okay, I concede to your  
  
infinite wisdom and 11762 if you don't want high-speed liposuction you'll save one of  
  
those artichoke hearts you bastard. "Excuse me, is this the residence of Heartless soldiers  
  
11237 and 11458?" said a Green requiem who had just entered the room. "uh...  
  
Yeah." "well according to Guard Armor, no, wait, Opposite armor, no Guard Armor, no-  
  
well, one of them anyway. You've been selected for Missionary Work!" "Whoosajigga-  
  
wha?"  
  
And there you go. Sorry for anyone who likes my other KH story, Kingdom Hearts:  
  
Again and again (obvious plug) but I'll probably be working on this a little more. So, if  
  
you like this, write a review. (I'm trying to see if writing that actually prompts you to  
  
write one.) review. Review. Review. Review. Review. DO IT! And what the hell is  
  
missionary work for heartless? Find out next time (whenever the hell that might be.) To  
  
find out! 


	2. Chapter 2: Agrabah: It's a hell of a too...

Chapter 2: Agrabah: It's a hell of a toooooooooown!  
  
"Yes, you see, it is your job to convert-she wiggled her antenna, creating a  
  
sketchpad and a pointer- these! The white mushrooms!" "you mean those sissy little  
  
things in robes? No prob"- "What do you think you're doing? We can't do this!" "hey,  
  
when have I steered you wrong, 11237?" "Well....... Are you sure this behemoth is  
  
hibernating? You think I can take this wyvern? I don't know, this ice looks thin." "Yes."  
  
"well....... Now I won't. When do we"- "OOH! OOH! Can I come?" "I'm sorry sir  
  
11762, but the white mushrooms don't have members of your, uh, size." "oh, I- sniff,  
  
I'm gonna g-go noAAAAAAAUUGH!" "will he be okay?" "Yeah. So, when do we  
  
start?" the GR wiggled her antenna again, producing two red caps and two white robes.  
  
"Now!" she cried out, seconds before the two were teleported. "whoa-oof!" screamed  
  
out 11458 before hitting the ground. "never gonna get used to that teleportation thing."  
  
"yeah. Anyway, how do you figure we convert these white mushrooms? Or find them?  
  
Or figure out where in Ansem's name we are? Aw crap." "Well, we do have claws, and  
  
they're not very strong, so"- 11458, we are NOT trying to beat them up! We're trying to  
  
CONVERT them!" "that's not what 'convert' means?" "NO IT'S NOT WHAT- WHY  
  
DO I HANG OUT WITH YOU!? Oh, they're gonna disown us, we'll be stuck on this  
  
scorching desert forever!" "desert? Huh! I know where we are!" "yeah, up shit creek  
  
without a raft." "no, we're in Agrabah! That desert planet one of those morons is making  
  
us take over! "Well, that's one problem down, but how do we find the WM's?" Suddenly,  
  
a great rumbling sounded , and a massive shape rose out of the sand. "Oh Ansem, who  
  
art in darkness..." "no! no, this guy has a heartless crest!" "Oh. Hey! Guy! Do you know  
  
where the city is?" "Of course! I know this world like the back of my hand! Do you want  
  
me to take you there?" "would you?" "Sure!" "So, what's your name, buddy?"  
  
"Ahh...... Kurt Zisa no. 000001" "Woah..... first of your kind?" "and the last, if I have  
  
anything to freaking' say about it! I'm an original creation!" so, no. 0000- "just 'Kurt.'"  
  
"Alright. Do you know where we can find some White Mushrooms?" "Sorry, I don't go  
  
into the city. The desert is my home. Speaking of the city, this your guys' stop." "Thanks  
  
man." "What a nice guy." "yeah, but we still have to find those stupid WM's. No  
  
problem. Those Heartless over there might help us." "I don't know, Bandit Heartless are  
  
kind of...... iffy." "hey, just because you're a loser, doesn't mean I am. I can speak  
  
these people's language." "Now, watch. Sup Holmes! Me and ma' boy be lookin' for  
  
some damn white bitches!" "uh.... For rizzle?"  
  
5 seconds later......  
  
"RUUUUUUUUUUUUN!" "Damn, damn, damn!" "Get in the hut, GET IN THE HUT!"  
  
"Wheew. I think we lost 'em." "you dumb ass. What have I told you?" "Huh...... just  
  
because I learn slang on the internet, doesn't mean I can use it without getting killed or  
  
made fun of." "Good. Now, I...... HEY! I found enough money in this jar for the dark  
  
bulb in the attic! Hmm...... now what's in this on- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OH  
  
DEAR SWEET MOTHER OF ALL THINGS DARK AND TERRIBLE!  
  
WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY?" "Hey? Is that...... changeling spider no. 112334? Is  
  
that you?" "No. 11458! It's you? You want I should spit out this doofus?" "Yeah.....  
  
probably. "Cool. Cough! Cough!" "OH! Oh! Oh..... kay? Who are you again?" "Well,  
  
now I'm  
  
Pot spider no. 1112, have been since this idiotic invasion began." "Heh, you used to be a  
  
real "pot spider" back in Heartless academy, eh?" "Ah ha ha, those were the times." "I  
  
don't get it." "So, what're soldiers doing here? Thought the bandits handled planet sand  
  
up your ass." We're here to rehabilitate some White Mushrooms." "Oh, those creeps,  
  
eh? Yeah, they come in here for meetings all the time." "Seriously? Sweet." "Yeah, but  
  
watch your backs. These guys are CRAZY. They think the Key holds a beautiful,  
  
benevolent power that will release them from some 'forced darkness' and return them to  
  
the 'Old way.' "Wait, why would darkness have to be forced on some one?" "And what  
  
old time?" "I don't know, but it freaks me out." "Well, great. But, unfortunately, we have  
  
no idea how to convert these fanatics." Suddenly, another Heartless portal showed up,  
  
releasing a tiny ball filled with a purple mist. A note was attached to it. "Hmm. It says.....  
  
Dear Sirs, thank you for accepting the mission. To help you, we have given you a black  
  
fungi gas bomb. If given off at an alleged 'moment of conversion' this gas will transform  
  
the white mushroom into the deadly black fungi. Please enjoy your stay in Agrabah,  
  
because if you fail, you will be abandoned here. Sincerely, Green Requiem no. 134221."  
  
"She was cute. I might ask her out." "What have I told you about magic chicks?"  
  
"Bouncy Wild!" "Look, I'm just saying, they ALWAYS run off with a magic dude.  
  
"Brothers! Today, the key, and it's wondrous bearer will come to save us! We  
  
will be released from these foul forms, and brought back to the old way!" "Oh, FUCK!  
  
They're coming!" "Quick put on your costume!" 


	3. chapter 3: Kill whitey mushroom

HOORAY FOR HEARTLESS!  
  
Chapter 3: kill whitey (mushroom)  
  
"Okay, are you ready?" "Yeah come on, let's hide!" "Ah, yes, my noble brethren,  
  
soon the pain shall be lifted and"- excuse me, why are you two here before the meeting?"  
  
"um, well, you see, we, just...... like..... to.... Be... early?" "Ah, yes, of course, of  
  
course! This is an important event, after all!" According to clan number 26, the majestic  
  
key and it's noble bearer shall come this way and release us!" "uh...... WOO! Go, uh,  
  
key guy!" "Shut UP, you idiot!" "I'm sorry, did you fellows say something?" "OH! Uh,  
  
no." "Yes, well"- "Oh, great clan leader, He comes!" "Everyone into position!" The door  
  
burst open, and the kh crew stood, checking out the WM's . "Wuttafu? Hm...... should  
  
we thwacky?" "I suggest we burn 'em!" "Sir, are you sure this is him?" "Yes, although  
  
he's...... not quite as...... heroic as I imagined." "MAAAN, does it feel good to stretch  
  
my legs again! Do you people know it's been over half a year since that lazy slob EKOF  
  
updated KH: Again and again?" "HEY! If you don't shut up, I'll take another six months,  
  
and replace you, as of right now, with the "correct" version!" "fine, I'll be good."  
  
"Anyway, what to do with these little weirdos?" "Alright, brethren, it's time for the  
  
signal! FLOAT!" upon the apparent leader's command, the cult rose up off the ground,  
  
except of course, for everyone's (Well, MINE, anyway) spy's. "brothers, do you not  
  
know the signals? You must float with us!" "Oh, yeah, right. Uh, 11458, any ideas?" "oh,  
  
yeah, it's right here in the manual." "What?' "the manual. That tells us how to do this?"  
  
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" are you telling me, that this entire time, we've had a  
  
manual that TOLD US HOW TO DO THIS?! "oh yeah, there's a map, proper bandit-  
  
lingo, and, here we go, how to float. Ah, seems simple enough." "KLATU, VERATA,  
  
NIKTU!" suddenly, the two rose in the air with everyone else. "Why- Why didn't you  
  
use that? "Dunno. Didn't seem important." "I'm going to kill you if we ever come out  
  
alive." "Huh, now those thingamabobs are floating. Hey, you know what's funny?  
  
Gravity. I'm a do that. Woo!" a dome of black....... Stuff (Which I'm guessing is  
  
gravity?) appeared forcing the mushies back down. "cool. Now, let's burn them. That  
  
always works, and it makes me happy!" "brother's! shiver like you've never shivered  
  
before!" and, as most of you guessed, a ball of flame shot out of the Key, setting the little  
  
bastards on fire. "Ah, screw this, let's just thwack them. "Ow! Okay, screw this, close  
  
enough. Come clan, let's do this thing. "Shit, it's happening! Set off the dark fungi  
  
bomb! "Okay, Okay! Oh no!" "What wire do I cut? Red or blue!?" "EITHER! WE  
  
WANT IT TO EXPLODE!" "oh." 11458 cut the wires through, and the bomb exploded  
  
in a blackish purple mist. "* cough * * cough * oh man, what was that! I"- "uh, Sora?  
  
"What, don-ah?" he said, before he realized the entire room was filled with temporarily  
  
invulnerable, poison gas shooting evil guys who were probably big jerks too. "We  
  
should run, right?" "yeah." "calmly, or screaming, blind panic?" "screaming blind panic."  
  
"hm.  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
  
yelled out our (well, kh's heroes, anyway.) "SWEET! It worked! "Yeah, but what do we  
  
know?" "We get out of these stupid costumes" "uh, I agree." "Hey! You guys must've  
  
changed us! Thanks, man!" "Just doing our jobs." So, who's up for a random party?"  
  
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
2 Hours later.........  
  
"So, I was all like, I don't need your shit, bitch! That's the last time you leave a banana  
  
peel in MY path!" "So what she'd do?" "Well, here's the shitty part: it turns out, she  
  
had some OTHER dude, one of those, uh, power wilds? Well, he kicked MY ass, and  
  
then I had to get my buddy 11762, and that fat sissy.......  
  
1 hour later.........  
  
"Dude, dude, dude. You wanna try this drug I got off a bandit?" Eh, why not?"  
  
4 hours later......  
  
"GAH! THEY"RE EVERYWHERE! AND GREEN!" "uh, no. 11458, aren't you worried  
  
about your buddy there?" "heh, you should've seen him on "the planet of hallucinogenic  
  
super-toads." "That's awesome."  
  
2 hours later........  
  
"So I kept calling us brethren? Dude, that's messed up!" yeah man, you were pretty  
  
messed up!"  
  
3 hours later........ (long party, eh?)  
  
"You are my best friend, 11237. I-I, friggin' love you, man!" "I love you too, dude!"  
  
"Oh, yeah, uh, one thing, I set up RN no.11235 with that wizard cause I was jealous."  
  
"Oh, you FUCKER!"  
  
3 seconds later....... ( now this is just silly)  
  
"OW, okay, I'm sorry! You're messing up my best face! Uh, the uh, green things are  
  
back?" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
  
hours later..............  
  
"Okay, okay, so the only reason we die, is because we accept it, as an inevitability."  
  
"Dude, you are SO high!" "So are you!" "HAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
5 hours later........  
  
"ZZZZzzzzzz...ZZZzzzzz" SHOOWomP! (huzzah for you, onomatopoeia!) "um....  
  
Soldier missionaries?" "hello? I'm here to take you back to the ship?" "YOU! Heh heh,  
  
you, are one good looking woman, lady." "If you weren't so boring and professional, I'd  
  
go out with you like, uh, something." "SIR! I am...... Hey! I'm not boring and  
  
unprofessional! I mean, err! Just wake up your idiot friend and get in the portal!"  
  
"sheesh, liked it better when you were weirded out by our strange behavior, 'stead of  
  
being some bitch. Hey, 111458, get up! We're going home!" "Aw, sweet! Ah, I have  
  
such a friggin' headache! Hey, you think you could cure me?" "NO!" "what's her  
  
problem?" "Dunno." "Whatever. Word of advice, lady: NEVER party with black fungi."  
  
"huh..... damn drunks." 


End file.
